Dissonance

Wouldn't it be great to be happy all the time? I've fallen into the trap of comparing myself to someone. Someone who appears happy all the time. Not always smiles. Sometimes complaining. Sometimes frustrated. But never sad. Never depressed.

I've been happy for the past month. Somewhat of a record in comparison to the past year. But today, one little thing set me on a downward spiral. Five minutes. Five measly minutes. In the grand scheme of things, five minutes is nothing. But today, five minutes put me into a sort of relapse. If only I had gotten ready faster this morning. If I hadn't hit snooze one more time. If my son would put his own freakin' shoes on. If I had eaten my breakfast in the car instead of at home. Five minutes was all I needed.

Now I can't stop thinking about it. I made a mistake. A tiny mistake. But the impact was bigger. My reflection on what happened is bigger. Every depressing doubt about my life has invaded my brain again and won't go away.

I was discussing dissonance in music with my students yesterday. I said that the clashing, painful harmonies are what make the beautiful moments more beautiful. I joked that a little depression makes the happy moments seem happier. I suppose that's true. The past month of normalcy has seemed like the most joyous month of my year. But depression hurts too much. The dissonance in music resolves fairly quickly. Depression lingers. Too long. Too easily.


If you're struggling too, maybe you would like to read my other posts about my depression here.